i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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