No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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