Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Randomize
