Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
