Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
