i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize