I can't breathe out the right side of my face
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
sex in a hospital.. check
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
