I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So apparently I’m into choking now
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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