i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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