Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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