I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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