i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
