why do cheetos always look like penises
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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