I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
My cat gives me a boner
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize