i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
