This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
