my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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