My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
