I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
