My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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