and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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