my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
