I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
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