thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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