My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
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