Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
