there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
