My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
