I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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