I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
