Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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