I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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