Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
