I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
