Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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