When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize