i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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