Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
