I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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