4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
