i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
