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i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
