hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
