i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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