i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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