If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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