She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
