Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
