At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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