and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
