I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
