Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
