My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
