you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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