Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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