Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
