He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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