gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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