White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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