They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
