I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Slut skills are useful in every country.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
